I found the One Ring while gardening


Ok, sorta seriously…

This weekend I decided to tear up a small part of my lawn and plant a garden. When I was a ‘lil tyke we lived next to a woman who had an amazingly kept herb garden. She taught me a little bit here and there about planting and gardening. But at the time there was always too much of a commitment involved to think seriously about gardening. In recent years I’ve considered starting a garden a number of times. But my lifestyle really doesn’t lend itself to taking it up as a hobby. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. The little patch of land I started the project in (and I stress little) was an isolated area of my lawn by the steps to my front door. Said patch was impossible to mow and usually looked terrible. So after a lot of consideration I realized that a small garden with hardy perennials would be far easier to maintain than grass.

So on Sunday I went to the Rochester Public Market’s “Plant Days” event and picked up $20 worth of green goodness and set to tearing up the grass. And in my usual “Never Say Die and Never Think Things Out” approach I started to tear up the lawn… with a trowel. I could have sworn we had a shovel at the house, but that little trowel was the best I could find. Unfazed as usual by my lack of the right tools I went to work tearing up the patch one small bit at a time.

About an hour into the project, as I shoved the trowel into the ground I heard a tink. Immediately realizing that grass doesn’t usually go tink, I cleared away the grass and soil and lo and behold found a simple gold ring that had been buried. Nothing fancy, just a simple band. Not unlike the One Ring (from the Lord of the Rings story for those non-geeks reading this). Having read the books, listened to the audio and seen Fellowship of the Rings a number of times, I realized the awesome power that I could be wielding. So I decided to investigate the band.

I didn’t have a fire near by to pitch it into, so I washed it off and check for inscriptions. And there was one. Unfortunately it wasn’t

Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

Or even

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Instead I saw

Lotsa Love – 6-14-94

Big let down! It wasn’t even in Elvish. Still I had hopes that the inscription might be a clever trick to prevent me from knowing the true power of the ring. So I decided to risk slipping it on. And nothing happened. I didn’t turn invisible (I know this because all my neighbors told be that they really could see me when I danced around them saying “I’m invisible, you can’t see me.” They also asked me very nicely to put my pants back on). I didn’t command supreme power. No fiery eye sought me out. On the plus side I didn’t turn into a slimy creature and start whining about “My Precious.”

So does anyone know what you are supposed to do when you find a ring in the middle of your garden? Oh and if I suddenly disappear someone please check the Biker Bar up the street for a group of black cloaked motorcycle riders who might be carring my finger. As for me I’m getting a little hungry so I think I’ll go off in search of fish-ish-ish-es or maybe a muffin.